Downtime.

I know I haven’t updated this in a few days, sorry.

Just going through a little “funk”. Just been really down about my weight and my body.
I’ve been in this mindset “You’ll never do this, you’ll still be fat and ugly… you’re not strong enough to actually stick to it”

I was doing amazing on my eating, then it seemed like one night ruined it all. Last night that is. I was keeping my calories in check and eating clean foods… then my parents brought home some burgers, onion rings, turkey clubs, garlic toast and ice cream.

I ATE SO MUCH. I know I could have been like “Oh no, You don’t need it just go do something to get your mind off it” But now I binged, I stuffed my face full of food. I felt nasty after that.

Then today I was telling myself to not stress out over that, it was just one night. I had my eating on track, then 8 rolled around and i stuffed my face again. I feel bloated and sick to my stomach.
I’m completely hating myself right now.
I hate my fat
I hate not being able to fit into 90% of clothes
I hate my stretch marks they’re EVERYWHERE. They cover probably 80% of my body, I’ll never be able to wear a bikini, tank tops, shorts, strapless dresses.. I won’t even be able to wear a cute wedding dress because they cover my back, shoulders and all the way down my arms.
I hate my cellulite
I  hate looking in the mirror and seeing this fat face and fat body starring back at me
I hate wearing only sweatpants and sweatshirts because jeans, casual and dressy pants do not fit me at all no matter what the size is, and sweatshirts are the only thing that hide my double stomach.
I hate only being able to wear sports bras because if i wear a normal bra my fat hangs over and I look like I have rolls allllll the way down my back.
I hate being over 300 pounds….
I hate being laughed at in public, or getting dirty looks “She’s huge!”
I hate this body..

I need to get my head on straight again :(

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Time.6

Haven’t posted on here for a few days, sorry.

There isn’t just anything exciting or new haha. I have been working out and eating well.
The past few days have been a repeat of each other so this blog can go for all the days I’ve missed :)

Hope all is well. I’ll be back to write more tomorrow, a lot more!

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Just a short blog!

Happy Monday…?
naw.. Mondays aren’t usually the happiest day of the week :p.

Hope everybody had a great weekend!
Mine was spent with my sisters (one who was just visiting from a few hours away), parents, brother, brother-in-law and my 2 month old niece :)
We grilled out and had a fire, all in all it was a very good few days if you ask me.

I really want to start photo blogging. I feel that if I post or take pictures of what I eat as well as writing it down will help in many ways.  That way I can actually SEE what I’ve eaten throughout the day and not just reading it.

I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow which is one of  my favorite and least favorite things to do.  Maybe I’m going about it all wrong.. but a few weeks ago when I went shopping I bought all clean, fresh, healthy foods. I spent $200 on a weeks worth of food, umm does anybody else have this problem?
I see other people’s blogs and they eat amazing and when I try to do the same I spend an arm and a leg. I spend in a week what my mom spends in a month on 3 other people!
How do you guys do it? Or do you just suck it up and spend the money?
That’s my main problem.. been trying to come up with a solution for the longest time. HELP.

Maybe the lottery ;)

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Hope.

That’s all too true.
We all know it’s true, yet why do we worry so much?

I ask myself that everyday when I my anxiety starts to get the best of me.
I always think something bad is going to happen, yet every time I think that.. nothing ever happens.
Nothing “bad” has happened to me in the moment even though all these thoughts run through my head “My heart is going to stop beating” “I’m going to die” “I’m going to stop breathing” “I’m going to pass out” “I’m never going to get through this”
I’m still alive, I made it through all of them. I’ve had at least one panic attack a day for the past 2 years so going through that many you think I would get the concept that I’m going to be okay, that there is no need to panic. I tell myself that now when I’m calm, but whenever I try to tell myself that while I’m all worked up it never seems to make it better.

I’ve seen a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist for 2 years now. Seeing her has helped me tremendously. As said “Good things come to those who wait” I would love more than anything to be “normal” again, to go places without thinking about it. I haven’t been on vacation in 2 years, I haven’t seen most of my family for the longest time because they  all live 1-2 hours away and for me being in a car that long just kills me. I used to hang out with my friends from sun up to sundown.. now I see them maybe 1-2 times a week for only an hour at a time. I had to quit my job down the road from my house because the stress/anxiety was unbearable.
But there is no doubt in my mind that I will once again be that free-spirited, go wherever the wind blows me kind of girl. It’s going to take time and hard work but I will make it :)

On a lighter note.

I’ve made  a few Mini Goals for myself this week
1. Try to drink water with every meal
2. Incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my meals
3. Ease back into exercise so I don’t get burned out or injured

I decided I’m going to make a few mini goals every week to get myself going, and to keep myself motivated.
This way I won’t feel so overwhelmed with the bigger picture.
This way it’s made up of small parts that I can easily do every week

<3

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Day 1 of many to come.

Those are my new cuties :)
Sorry for the bad picture it’s from my cell phone and I sort of cut them off.

I had originally gone to get Asics because I’ve owned Asics for as long as I can remember, so I know they’re good.
These are Ryka’s. Anyways I went right to the shoes I wanted, tried them on, walked around in them and such, then stumbled across these. I have a weakness for anything teal/aqua. Besides the color they are SO comfortable and they are very lightweight feeling almost as if I was wearing a flip-flop or something lol. Very very breathable and they seem very soundly built.
Anybody on here own these brand of shoes? How do you like them?

So we went to the gym and joined today. Pretty happy about that.
The rest of my day was fairly good. It’s not too warm here today but it’s very humid and sticky. We have a pool my brother-in-law bought to keep here (they have a tiny apartment) so I can go lay in that to cool off whenever.

Food wise it was alright..
After buying my shoes my mom and I were talking about me wanting to really be committed to losing this weight. She’s proud of me and she’s willing to take walks with me, grocery shop you name it. But after getting to the car she asks me      “I suppose you don’t want Dairy Queen do ya?” I go “Well……..Okay!” So we went haha.
I ordered a small Reese’s Blizzard but I only ate half of it, probably still about 300-400 calories not to mention the fat but it’s better than the whole thing. I usually would have ordered a medium and ate it ALL.
Everything is okay in moderation right ;)
I had my moms famous Asian Salad for lunch. I only ate lunch and dairy queen today which is bad.
I’m slowly getting into eating 5-6 “mini meals” a day and making sure to get all the right nutrients in a day. I don’t want to starve myself or go too long without either otherwise I’ll get overly hungry and binge late at night.

Midnight snacking is another one of my major pitfalls… I guess that’s what I get for watching the Food Network at 10-11pm :p

Hope you all have been having good days!

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This is just the beginning.

I’ve been overweight my entire life, I was even a chubby kid. I’m currently 20 years old and I have yet to fully love myself and embrace me as a person. I’ve only looked in the mirror once or twice and actually liked what I saw. I know I shouldn’t have to lose weight to love who I am, but this is my journey to find myself, to love myself as well as lose the weight that has weighed me down both physically and emotionally.

Although I won’t claim that “I’ve tried every diet out there and they have failed”, because I haven’t. I have never once believed in “diets” or all those fad “Don’t eat carbs” “Don’t eat this, only this”. I didn’t want to get myself involved in yo-yo dieting. I once read “Don’t start a diet you can’t stick to the rest of your life” which I fully believe in. I’m more the type of person to be all excited to finally stick to this.. but then something derails me or I simply run out of motivation. I thought it would be a good idea to come on here for support and to read others blogs to see how well they are doing :). I’m an emotional eater. If I’m happy I eat, if I’m sad I eat, if I’m bored… I eat. I don’t even have to be hungry to eat, I just eat because I’m not full.

I picked up The Clean Eating Diet, not really a diet just more of a lifestyle change which is exactly what I’m looking for. I’ve spent countless hours on the internet, in the library, talking to personal trainers and nutritionist about what I should be eating and how I should be taking care of myself. I know some, but I don’t know it all.

Tomorrow my mom and I are going to visit a gym a few miles away from here, I’m not new to gyms either. I’ve been  a member of 3 separate ones since I was about 13-14 years old. The first one we joined was going great, then we couldn’t keep up the $200 per month payment for a full membership. We had to stop going, then I gained back more weight than I had lost.

Since this is a “get to know me blog” I might as well tell a bit more about myself. For the majority of my teen years I struggled with severe depression. I’ve been hospitalized a few times, I was in a deep rut. It’s been about a year and a half since I’ve been that far down, and I’ve come such a long way.  I no longer have the feelings and thoughts I had for those almost 10 years, there are still days I get down and discouraged but in no way am I the lonely, sad, depressed girl I used to be. I’m proud of myself for coming that far.

I would love to say that I’m a new me after coming out of the depression, but I can’t. I now battle with agoraphobia. It once got so bad I couldn’t even step out of my house onto my front porch without having a panic attack and becoming hysterical. As of now I’m better but not where I should be. I can go in a car for short rides as long as I’m driving, and I can go to certain stores. Sounds weird huh? Yeah I know it is but I’m trying to work on it the best I possibly can.

This is a somewhat To Do List(not in any certain order):
1. Become healthier
2. Lose weight
3. Beat this agoraphobia once and for all
4. Stay motivated
5. Don’t eat out of emotions
6.
Stay positive no matter what life throws me

Many more.

This is just the beginning of my journey. I hope you’ll come along for the ride :)

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